I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
