I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
