I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
