Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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