Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize