Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
