Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
