I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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