Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
