so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
