i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
