i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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