You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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