On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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