The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
