walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
