Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
