Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
this boner is exhausting
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
