no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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