butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
