You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize