Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
