i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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