It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
