Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
