im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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