So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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