im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
