Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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