He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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