Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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