Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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