when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
