i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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