I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
