Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
