Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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