so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
