I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
