He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize