what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
