If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
so much tequila, so little girl.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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