i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Drunk is a universal language darling
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
