a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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