I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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