Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
