I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
