oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
