i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
