my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
