she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
