in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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