Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
