I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
