why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
