youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
