Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
