I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
