There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just had sex on a roof
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
why is half of my head shaved?
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