i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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