Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize