we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
