dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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